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I have two new boyfriends. They’re both figure skaters.

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Jason Brown being the embodiment of happiness

Jason Brown being the embodiment of happiness

In case you’ve been encased in jello for the last two weeks, the Olympics have been on, pre-empting all of your regularly scheduled Thursday night programming and generally causing you to either avoid television or watch it obsessively.  I voted for the latter because I’m a sucker for anyone who rides on quarter-inch-thick metal on the icy surface of a rink that may have piranha and kraken living beneath it (it’s a frozen pond in Russia, you can’t prove me wrong).

Now, I love figure skating.  I’ve loved it since I heard Elvis Stojko’s name and saw him do a triple instead of a double during one of his skates; I’ve loved it ever since Surya Bonale said FUCK YOU to everyone by doing a backflip and landing one-legged on the ice.  I went crazy at the Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding drama, lost it when Tara Lipinski won the gold, and got supremely pissed off when the Long Island media assaulted Sarah Hughes before she could return to school after her 2002 gold medal win.  (I mean, they asked her, on the steps of her school, what it was like to return to school again, and I could see the anger and violation in her eyes as she replied “I don’t know, I haven’t gone back yet.”)  I love watching people with rhinestones defy gravity and ankle pain.  I love it all.  But this year… this year was something special.

Meet my first new boyfriend, Charlie White.

Skating threesome:  Charlie, Meryl, Hair

Skating threesome: Charlie, Meryl, Hair

It is no secret that I’m a sucker for hair.  Hair is beautiful and bouncy and full of life and craziness.  Poofy hair while figure skating is a true treat to watch.  Every graceful move Charlie White made during his ice dancing performance (with partner Meryl Davis) had a silent third partner that gracefully bounced like a Pantene commercial on steroids.  Charlie White’s hair should be banned from competition for doping… but I don’t want it to be.  His hair made his performance.  It moved with every turn and bounced with every twizzle.  Despite his delicate but quick movements, his hair never ended up in his sultry eyes.  His hair is a pillow of love and happiness upon which lasses would like to sleep.  He is also super hot, which makes his dancing even more romantic and swoon inducing; on that note, Charlie White is coming to a romantic fantasy near you.  Yes that’s creepy.  No I won’t apologize.

Meet my second boyfriend, Jason Brown.

It's only a little creepy

It’s only a little creepy

Jason Brown is the cutest thing on two skates.  He’s adorable.  He’s got his little pony-power ponytail (HAIR-MAZINGNESS) and a smile that’s larger than his face, accentuated by his little squinty eyes.  Brown isn’t the same kind of boyfriend as White; my interest isn’t driven by lady pheramones, it is driven by the piece of me that’s still in fifth grade and thinks holding hands is third base.  Jason brown is a little kid, nineteen and with a future ahead that’s full of Prince songs and happy footwork.  I want to give him a hug and dress like him for Halloween.  I want to watch him do his Riverdance a thousand more times because his skating style is so completely engulfing that I couldn’t take my eyes off of him.  And did I mention he skated to PRINCE?  Before his Riverdance got me, his use of Prince did.  His Hammertime was even better.  I was rather pissed he didn’t perform at the gala tonight.  Jason Brown is the reason that I intend to watch figure skating outside of the Olympics, despite years of Olympian fandom.  I want to see every skate this young man does.

Oh, speaking of Prince, did I mention his choreographer is this guy?

Rohene Ward

Rohene Ward

TELL ME THIS MAN ISN’T THE MOST MAGICAL MAN EVER SINCE THE ORIGINAL PRINCE HIMSELF.

Apparently Rohene Ward did a skate to Kevin Aviance’s “Din Da Da” and I NEED to find a video of this drag-mazingness.

For the first time ever, I will be following figure skating outside of the Olympics.  I need this hair action.

Disclaimer:  I am actually in a happy long-term relationship and have a rather satisfying sex-life, but when amazing boys and girls are on television, they become my boyfriends and girlfriends.  *swoon*

 

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